CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: DA’S SCRIBBLES LAWSUIT FROM THE DURHAM COUNTY JAIL – THE PUBLIC SUED FOR “ACTIONABLE STUPIDITY”

Durham Nocturnal Herald - Breaking News!

Jailed Durham District Attorney Michelle Gnofin-Ekud penned a lawsuit on a long piece of toilet paper that was smuggled out of the Durham County Detention Center yesterday by Duke professors and other supporters. Last week, the District Attorney was seized by Federal authorities and charged with being an “Enemy of Justice Combatant”. She is being held without bond, and without formal charges.

The chief prosecutor's lawsuit claims to sue “All who voted for me in the primary and general election”. The sole claim is for “Actionable Stupidity”. The lawsuit requests that the public pay for any future legal costs or damages imposed upon her for her wrongful acts. Legal experts said the lawsuit was frivolous.

But Baker Hattrick, Durham city manager turned city attorney, said he thought the lawsuit might have some merit. He condemned the Federal occupation of Durham as a Republican trick to garner votes.

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: FEDS OCCUPY DURHAM. DA SEIZED

Michelle Gnofin-Ekud, the elected District Attorney of Durham County, stepped out of her front door to get the newspaper on the lawn, and saw them: Federal troops dressed in desert camouflage and holding machine guns surrounded her house. Tanks lined her street. Black attack helicopters flew overhead.

Twenty feet from her house stood President Bush, standing on the curb holding a bullhorn. “Resistance is futile,” the President said. He pronounced it “foo-tile”. “Durham is under Federal Occupation,” he went on. “You will be taken into custody as an Enemy of Justice Combatant. Put your hands over your head and walk slowly toward the line of troops standing in your driveway.”

What made this scene so surreal, Gnofin-Ekud thought, there were no TV cameras or reporters shouting questions. She was dressed in her favorite black and pink silk kimono, pink panties and, as was her custom, braless.

All she could think to say, seeing the President of the United States of America in front of her house with heavily armed soldiers: “Can I at least put on a bra?”

“No time” the Commander-in-Chief said. "Besides, the FBI said you haven't had implants yet. So what's the point?"

She blinked back tears, placed her hands above her head and stepped onto her porch . . .


[Dear readers: Does it really end this way? Is this a nightmare? What do you think?]

BCIW BREAKING NEWS: DURHAM CITY MANAGER DEMOTED

Durham City Manager Baker Hattrick was demoted yesterday and placed in the ceremonial position as Most High Legal Chieftain of Durham overseeing the Office of the Legal Lemming Leapers. The LLL, formerly known as the Office of the City Attorney, trains city officials to jump to their legal deaths by performing foolhardy stunts against common sense and human dignity using large amounts of public money.

Mr. Hattrick’s excessive pay will stay the same, but bonus incentives are built into his new contract. His salary will increase every time he is named as a defendant in a lawsuit against the city, every time he successfully conspires to violate the constitutional rights of Duke University students or unnecessarily costs the city at least a million dollars due to incompetence, waste or arrogance.

No additional pay will accrue to Mr. Hattrick due to burning waste dumps, lead in the water or parking structure collapse as he was already paid for these city amenities while he served as city manager.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: "MIND IF I EAT MY DONUT WHILE YOU DO THAT?"

FROM: LUCIUS GLENN FORD, III, ESQ
TO: PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR LYNN SNAPWOOD

Would you check with the local call-girls and ex-police officers to find out if:
A. Stripper #1, Candy Mint, was known to exchange sexual favors for police protection?
B. Did Candy Mint ever work for the Durham Police Department as an informant?
C. Did Candy Mint ever work as an unpaid "researcher" in the Duke Anthropology of Guilt Department?
D. What type of breath mints does Candy Mint prefer?

LGFIII

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: PONY DNA TRACED TO DURHAM CITY HALL, DUKE ANTHROPOLOGY OF GUILT DEPARTMENT AND TO DPD BASEMENT RESTROOM

PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL INVESTIGATOR’S REPORT
TO LUCIUS GLENN FORD, III, ESQ.

Our investigators found trace DNA evidence (99.99999999999 % identical to that taken from the nether regions) of the polo pony “Brownie” located: 1) on the door knob of Mayor-For-Life Billy D’Bell’s office at City Hall, 2) on the handle of the coffee maker located in the Duke Anthropology of Guilt Department break room, and 3) on wall of the third stall from the left in the Durham Police Department basement bathroom, next to the evidence room.

Suggested Course of Action: File Motion to Swab and Test Prosecutor’s Home for DNA Evidence. Informant inside the DA’s inner-circle implied that evidence could be found inside a coffee can in the prosecutor’s freezer.

Pony E. coli Public Health Suggestion: Wash hands after touching door knobs at city hall, DPD and Duke U.

Bull's Cap tip to anon. reader comment earlier this fall.

BCIW BREAKING NEWS: JOE CHESHIRE AND DAVID EVANS FOR DURHAM CITY COUNCIL

We demand a recount! According to the Board of Elections, in the recent municipal elections, BCIW received one vote for mayor of Durham. Joe Cheshire, Esq. and David Evans each received one vote for Durham city council.

We don't see how a blog could serve as mayor, but then again, consider what the current mayor for life has done. It would be cool if Joe or David took the reigns of the Bull City.

http://www.durhamcountync.gov/departments/elec/2007_Election/Results/Election/Results_Update/UPDATES/NOVEMBER_OFFICIAL_COMBINEDa.pdf

CHAPTER FOURTEEN: Press Release from the Right Reverend Jesse Al Jacksharpton Supporting the Duke Three

“We condemn the racist prosecution of these three fine young, black Duke students for a crime that they did not commit, could not commit and wouldn’t be tempted to commit. Yet, as preachers of the Gospel, we must applaud the notion of prosecuting rich Republicans on the false testimony of butt-naked, women of iffy-repute.”