Wednesday, May 9, 2012

UNINTENDED CONSEQUENCES OF MARRIAGE AMENDMENT: CATHOLIC CHURCH OUTLAWED IN NORTH CAROLINA

5/9/2013 - BREAKING NEWS - Raleigh

The Supreme Court of North Carolina today outlawed the Catholic Church in the landmark ruling North Carolinians for Real Marriage v. The Roman Catholic Church.
The High Court ruled that the controversial “Marriage Amendment” defining marriage as between one man and one woman was inconsistent with the Church’s designation of itself as the “Bride of Christ”. According to the ruling, the Catholic Church ceased to exist upon the amendment’s passing.
A spokesperson for N.C. for Real Marriage, Margaret Tew Upright, said this was “a victory against idolatry and the presumptuousness of the Vatican.” Many civil rights groups, including some supporting gay and lesbian marriage rights, decried the decision as violating freedom of religion.
The ruling found that a marriage between a church and a deity was “an unnatural, abomination crossing into idolatry.” It is unknown when the N.C. treasurer will start seizing church assets.
The Most Rev. Bishop Burble, Catholic Diocese of Raleigh, disparaged the ruling as the work of “the anti-Christ, secular humanists and Masonic interests on the court.” He noted that due to historic discrimination, Catholic jurists had been banned from serving on the court.
The Holy Father Pope Benedict XX could not be reached for comment as of press time. He was said to be in seclusion, preparing for his major address on World-Wide Catholic Heterosexual Chastity Pride Day at a German boys’ camp that served his “youth group” during his teenage foray into the politics of the day during World War II.

Friday, March 5, 2010

CHAPTER NINETEEN: FORMER DA GOES TO HAITI WITH JOHNNY EDWARDS

Jailed Durham District Attorney Michelle Gnofin-Ekud was released from Guantanamo Bay this morning. The U.S. Justice Department declined to prosecute her as an "Enemy of Justice" combatant. She was whisked away in a private jet by former Senator Johnny Edwards, reportedly to do volunteer work in the Haitian criminal justice system. "The Duke Polo Pony case doesn't have to be my legacy," he reportedly said before he stepped on the plane.

Thursday, January 17, 2008

CHAPTER EIGHTEEN: DA’S SCRIBBLES LAWSUIT FROM THE DURHAM COUNTY JAIL – THE PUBLIC SUED FOR “ACTIONABLE STUPIDITY”

Durham Nocturnal Herald - Breaking News!

Jailed Durham District Attorney Michelle Gnofin-Ekud penned a lawsuit on a long piece of toilet paper that was smuggled out of the Durham County Detention Center yesterday by Duke professors and other supporters. Last week, the District Attorney was seized by Federal authorities and charged with being an “Enemy of Justice Combatant”. She is being held without bond, and without formal charges.

The chief prosecutor's lawsuit claims to sue “All who voted for me in the primary and general election”. The sole claim is for “Actionable Stupidity”. The lawsuit requests that the public pay for any future legal costs or damages imposed upon her for her wrongful acts. Legal experts said the lawsuit was frivolous.

But Baker Hattrick, Durham city manager turned city attorney, said he thought the lawsuit might have some merit. He condemned the Federal occupation of Durham as a Republican trick to garner votes.

Thursday, December 27, 2007

CHAPTER SEVENTEEN: FEDS OCCUPY DURHAM. DA SEIZED

Michelle Gnofin-Ekud, the elected District Attorney of Durham County, stepped out of her front door to get the newspaper on the lawn, and saw them: Federal troops dressed in desert camouflage and holding machine guns surrounded her house. Tanks lined her street. Black attack helicopters flew overhead.

Twenty feet from her house stood President Bush, standing on the curb holding a bullhorn. “Resistance is futile,” the President said. He pronounced it “foo-tile”. “Durham is under Federal Occupation,” he went on. “You will be taken into custody as an Enemy of Justice Combatant. Put your hands over your head and walk slowly toward the line of troops standing in your driveway.”

What made this scene so surreal, Gnofin-Ekud thought, there were no TV cameras or reporters shouting questions. She was dressed in her favorite black and pink silk kimono, pink panties and, as was her custom, braless.

All she could think to say, seeing the President of the United States of America in front of her house with heavily armed soldiers: “Can I at least put on a bra?”

“No time” the Commander-in-Chief said. "Besides, the FBI said you haven't had implants yet. So what's the point?"

She blinked back tears, placed her hands above her head and stepped onto her porch . . .


[Dear readers: Does it really end this way? Is this a nightmare? What do you think?]

Wednesday, December 12, 2007

BCIW BREAKING NEWS: DURHAM CITY MANAGER DEMOTED

Durham City Manager Baker Hattrick was demoted yesterday and placed in the ceremonial position as Most High Legal Chieftain of Durham overseeing the Office of the Legal Lemming Leapers. The LLL, formerly known as the Office of the City Attorney, trains city officials to jump to their legal deaths by performing foolhardy stunts against common sense and human dignity using large amounts of public money.

Mr. Hattrick’s excessive pay will stay the same, but bonus incentives are built into his new contract. His salary will increase every time he is named as a defendant in a lawsuit against the city, every time he successfully conspires to violate the constitutional rights of Duke University students or unnecessarily costs the city at least a million dollars due to incompetence, waste or arrogance.

No additional pay will accrue to Mr. Hattrick due to burning waste dumps, lead in the water or parking structure collapse as he was already paid for these city amenities while he served as city manager.

Monday, December 10, 2007

CHAPTER SIXTEEN: "MIND IF I EAT MY DONUT WHILE YOU DO THAT?"

FROM: LUCIUS GLENN FORD, III, ESQ
TO: PRIVATE INVESTIGATOR LYNN SNAPWOOD

Would you check with the local call-girls and ex-police officers to find out if:
A. Stripper #1, Candy Mint, was known to exchange sexual favors for police protection?
B. Did Candy Mint ever work for the Durham Police Department as an informant?
C. Did Candy Mint ever work as an unpaid "researcher" in the Duke Anthropology of Guilt Department?
D. What type of breath mints does Candy Mint prefer?

LGFIII

Thursday, November 29, 2007

CHAPTER FIFTEEN: PONY DNA TRACED TO DURHAM CITY HALL, DUKE ANTHROPOLOGY OF GUILT DEPARTMENT AND TO DPD BASEMENT RESTROOM

PRIVATE AND CONFIDENTIAL INVESTIGATOR’S REPORT
TO LUCIUS GLENN FORD, III, ESQ.


Our investigators found trace DNA evidence (99.99999999999 % identical to that taken from the nether regions) of the polo pony “Brownie” located: 1) on the door knob of Mayor-For-Life Billy D’Bell’s office at City Hall, 2) on the handle of the coffee maker located in the Duke Anthropology of Guilt Department break room, and 3) on wall of the third stall from the left in the Durham Police Department basement bathroom, next to the evidence room.

Suggested Course of Action: File Motion to Swab and Test Prosecutor’s Home for DNA Evidence. Informant inside the DA’s inner-circle implied that evidence could be found inside a coffee can in the prosecutor’s freezer.

Pony E. coli Public Health Suggestion: Wash hands after touching door knobs at city hall, DPD and Duke U.

Bull's Cap tip to anon. reader comment earlier this fall.